desolate

full
and now
empty
he has
plenty
i am
empty
empty
empty

thinking of you

i think of
you raking, piles of leaves
all orange, crisp and brown
a dollhouse, hammering away for many nights
santa and his sleigh in the yard
bright christmas lights
too many presents under the tree
your farm set was enough for me
bert and ernie on the tv
while inside with chickenpox, stuck
a buckeye in your pocket for good luck

i think of
snowmobiles and drifts of snow
steak subs and pizza dough
walks in the woods
those damn tree limbs
(it's time to move kids!)
crackerjacks and chocolate wafers
soccer balls and tether ball poles
campfires, tents and smores
ouch! those stupid mole holes

i think of
that coal pail you carried, walking with a strut
hey, your boots made the final cut!
a fake moustache applied
no, you can't have dialogue, nice try!
sweeping in a scene, with a broom
no, you can't have a honeywagon room!
watching dolly sing in nashville
a prison guard walking on a grassy hill
a businessman at the courthouse
in a small kentucky town
and you did it all, just to see me
you, so happy and proud

i think of
your small mouth, just like mine
the way you look at us
love in your eyes, all the time
a warm smile
an even warmer heart
your unconditional love
a family not torn apart

please know, beneath it all
i am strong, thanks to you
you worry too much
i know this to be true
but please stop (or at least, not so much)
i want you here thirty,
even forty years from now
i'll take forever if you'll allow
you think you were hardly there
dad,
you were always there

i don't wanna be that girl

i take my pick
white
blue
yellow
round
square
oval
that pretty v
kill the pain
numb
oh yes, numb
no more pain here

it's better than alcohol
yeah, it is
in my head,
my grandmother laughs (aw hell)
she agrees
damn
soon i could be
rush limbaugh
or even worse
the girl from what's that show
oooooh damn
i can't remember
thank you google, different strokes
i should stop
i think i will
bring on the pain
bring it on

let the chips fall

a text message from superman
oh how i've missed him
comedy wednesday, poker thursday?
shit, i don't know
i text back
ok, but invite all
for i might be moving

right now, they are laughing
damn, i want to be laughing, with them
i need it
but i can't
i can't face them
it was only a month
with him
and yet, it felt like years
like the first time
the way it feels for him, with her
and so,
i sit here
not laughing
and think of tomorrow

i will make that lasagna, finally
i dream of a massive pile of chips, all mine
i will not cry, there will be no whining
i dream of superman walking in that door
and he is with him, he is back
he stays after they leave
but no, instead i will sleep alone
and awake to pack
homeless, soon
and he, a happy home

a photo double

a poker table
fifty dollar buy-in
3 hands later, i am out
a blackjack table
one hour in
a hundred up and i cash out

a man approaches me
he slurs
do you know who you look like?
i say, yes, i know
kate hudson
he grabs my arm,
no really, i can't believe it,
do, like, the paparazzi follow you?
um, no sweetie, i've gotta go

my friend, she's had one too many drinks
kissing a man ten years younger than she
my car windows, fogged
they stop, the music is ruining their groove
they say, put in something good
flicka flicka flicka flicka flicka
here you are
and i smile
thinking of that night in my car

i am lost
it is pouring
the streets are flooding
they ask,
are we there yet?
no kids, not yet
i hear his pants unzip and i say
oh please, not in my car

at the hotel, finally
the lad got a room
for he and my friend
i hope she's teaching him something
i hope she doesn't pass out

in my room
the sun's about to rise
the real kate hudson on the tv
skeleton key
i am alone
and it feels good

my fate, i can only hope not

one night
so long ago
fucked me up for life
it just hit me
i will be forever alone
i feel it
i know it

years later i attempt
to open my heart
one that has been open only to those closest to me
those i knew before
that night
i do it differently
i tell myself even if this does not last
at least you tried
but i pushed
and i pushed some more
i even lied

i might fuck my friend
it was something i could not do
for the thought of someone else
made me sick
and yet, those words
came out
just like that
and they will come out again,
i am sure

fear of something good
not believing it is possible
fear of losing someone
not worthy of love
no longer fearing him
only fearing every man since him
no longer hating him
but tonight, i blame him

superwoman at work
everyone adores me
i am fearless only there
if my career ended today,
i would have no regrets
it has been good
so good
if my life ended today
there would be many regrets

i hope,
next time will be easier
i will not push
but how?
is there a man who exists
who would understand me
get me
i hope,
i will not push
until he has no choice
but to walk out that door and never return
exactly why i have remained frozen
for so many years
knowing all of this
too well
i do not want to be alone
and yet
i feel it is my destiny

and this second, i change my mind,
a true gemini
i hate him
it is a word i do not like
but i hate him
i fucking hate him
for that night
so long ago

if we could erase one moment
one single moment
in our lives
that would be the moment
that one night
that wretched night
which led to
this lonely life of mine

time heals the pain

another hospital
another room
a woman,
she presses the button
more demerol, she can't get enough

i see her, reaching
i think for the button
she is reaching for me
she grabs my hand
looks into my eyes
her eyes, i melt in,
her eyes, keep me going,
they give me faith, they give me hope

she speaks with a voice so kind
so warm, so full of love
with a parched mouth
(i can barely hear her)
i love you, she whispers
i love you too mom

an early birthday

a simple birthday cake
chocolate
white icing
only a few candles
they sing
they say
make a wish
i cry
i hear her voice
i hear his voice
they say
do not cry
it's ok
we love you
no matter what
now make a wish
i close my eyes

i own my car
thanks to them
and still
a week later
gifts
gifts i do not deserve

years and years of pain
and here they are in front of me

no matter what
no matter what
no matter what

june 6

my grandfather
thomas, tom
the normandy coast
june 1944
he was there
he survived
most of his friends did not
a nervous breakdown
months in a hospital
he returned home
to a life that
no longer made sense
i remember,
a real darkness
in his eyes
i remember,
i was curious
a man of few words

he would say
what did you say?
i would say
nothing.
he would say
i didn't hear you say nothing!
or his favorite,
you are going to sleep
your life away.
i would yawn
and giggle
he would then walk away

he drank a lot
he smoked even more
spent hours in his garden
so proud of his tomatoes
which i refused to eat
i still do
he sat on his porch
staring, at what, i don't know
some days i would sit with him
very few, if any, words were spoken
after his death
i mourned a man i hardly knew

blank

no
i will not read his words again
or her words again
i am a fucking fool
i sit here and wonder
does he mock me
does he hate me
does he think of me
doubtful, any of the three
but
his silence is cold
i am cold
i am a fucking fool
i am a fucking fool
this is it
i move on
be strong
be the better person society would say
fuck society
i just want to move on

go away

rain
thunder
lightning
years and years
me, alone
many cities
different windows
always the same sound
the rain against those windows, i felt at home

nothing made me happier
just me and the rain
one merry couple indeed
alone and closed, i should have remained
this pain is too much
the rain cannot wash this away

tonight
i wish it would stop
i think i'll move to vegas
arizona maybe

9:02 on the clock

a man calls a friend
he asks a favor
could you please pick up some paperwork
at the social security office?
he would drive himself
but he spends his days
in a wheelchair
to the friend, i am sure
it was a simple errand

i imagine
the friend
stood in line, making small talk
possibly with teresa
who was there
to pick up a social security card
for her 8 month-old-son, sean
or maybe
the friend
he no longer waited in line,
he was at the counter
chatting with richard
who had worked there for years
or maybe
the friend
he stood in line, talking to no one
alone with his thoughts
thinking of
the many things
he had to do that day
it was still early, after all

except
this was no ordinary day
it was
the 19th of april
the year, 1995
and the social security office
was in
the alfred p. murrah federal building
in oklahoma city

the clock read 9:02 a.m.
when a truck bomb
made of ammonium nitrate fertilizer
and fuel oil
exploded
outside the building
the explosion could be felt
30 miles away

168 were dead
19 of which
were children
one of which was
the friend
my father's cousin
thomas was his name

he was a good friend
he was a good husband
he was a good father
he was a good man
he lived a good life

i said too much

i say
i am rambling
you say
no, you are not
i say
you will tire of me
and my rambling
you say
with a look
so real
your voice
so beautiful
kim,
i don't think
i will
you did

my friend is back

the cable is out
internet too
they say it’s the entire neighborhood
not just you
well, this neighborhood
is dying in front of me
my building sold
the land it seems
worth more
i don’t know where i’ll go
perhaps the offer in austin
i will take
another escape
my car is gone
it’s been over a week
and yet time stands still
without him here
it is memorial day
i take a moment
to mourn my
nineteen-year-old cousin
i feel nothing
nothing
the blues
are back
fiercer than ever

nicotine stains on my finger

61 cigarettes
and counting
over 22 hours
this is not good
i know
no sleep
this is mania
at its best
and worst
what i would
give
for ten fucking valium
knock me out
i do not recognize this face
so pale
no, not the word
a ghost
lung cancer
will take me soon
i am sure

no goodbyes

in a city
alive
music
dancing
lights
beale street
lorraine motel
sweet wild bill at the door
on vollintine
boom boom boom boom

i research
for him
at the mission
on poplar
how should i hold the bible?
right or left?
a photograph is taken
and he makes a silly face
to see me smile
and laugh
but he knows my frown
and he knows my darkness

we travel to
new mexico
and it is cold
snow
in the desert
hiding behind the tumbleweed
waiting to yell cut
he frowns
and i smile

at the party
it is the end
i sit alone
a round table
avoiding
the music
the dancing
the lights
he joins me
few words are spoken
for there is no need
one more
rum and coke
for the two of us

and then
i say
goodbye
he says
mi galleta,
there are
no goodbyes
thanks benny
for the ride

pounding

they are back
these headaches
stupid meds
take your pick
forty extra pounds
no thanks
blood tests
every six weeks
fatal rash
diabetes
loss of pleasure
sex, no desire
food, can't eat
life, what life?
those cute little commercials
that little egg
take this pill
and you'll be happy!
oh yeah but
you'll sleep all day
i chose
the blue pill
after twenty failures
and now
i think
my head
will
explode

an offer

i should be thrilled
i love your work
a knoxville boy
kill bill
pulp fiction
jackie brown
a horror film
a dream of mine
yes
i should be thrilled
but i'm not

he's not bad you know

it happened so fast
he came out of nowhere
from behind me, wrapped his long
smooth arms around my stomach
his tongue, flicking in my ear
sucking, my ear
that's all it took
i was wet
panting, moaning
i felt him behind me
hard, throbbing
he says
c'mon baby
you know you want it
i need you
you need me
fifteen minutes
that's all i need
c'mon baby, Mmmmm.
i think
it would be so easy
to fuck him
and it would be good
but no
i am no longer that girl
i snap, i back into him
pushing him away
run down the steps
a quick getaway

the next morning
he, a volunteer fan
approaches
me, a buckeye fan
wearing orange
from head to...his jogging pants
i think
shit, he's put a lot thought
into this
he leans down, he's in my face
staring with those beautiful eyes
so deep, so dark
he says
are we cool?
i say yeah
you fucker
you know i don't like that ugly ass color
he says
how 'bout i take off everything
but the shoes
oh damn,
i see
grey and red shoes
i back away again
oh, the girls in hair need me
see you later baby

again
he tried
i find the words
i say
listen man
i adore you
we have fun
but i've gotta job to do
and you're not making it easy
he pouts
and i think
what a fucking baby
he ignores me for three days

he approaches me again
this time
he no longer wants my body
he wants my friendship
the next four weeks
are fun, so much fun

i don't fault him
i don't hate him
he's just a horny motherfucker like me
who doesn't get it from his wife
only from girls like me
well, like me....
long ago

it hurts

crying
into my pillow
i am going to miss you
so much
i cannot look at you
i hear the key drop
and you are gone
damn
i miss you so much

no closure

to your friends
you were
monkey
to me
a cousin
i hardly knew
you were young
determined to escape
the hoosier state
you chose to fight a war
a war i question
but it would pay your tuition
a jeep overturned in kuwait
and now
you are dead
tonight,
i hate this war

conversation

i was living in beverly hills
with a woman
so alone and desperate
for anyone to keep her alive
she had been living
in the past for thirty years
i was a breathe of
fresh air
briefly

i stayed in her guest room,
one of many
spent my days at her pool,
overlooking a city
i grew to despise
one night
a buzz at the door
i open
it is a woman
who would get me
within minutes
we sat in the living room
that night and many to follow
a room she had spent
many nights in
writing songs
playing the guitar
painting

we smoked, american spirits
she spoke of her angers
her regrets, her lovers
she sang a song in french
still, a beautiful voice
she spoke of her grandchild
who shares my birthday
this excited her
she shared old polaroids
and stories
she shared
her wisdom

a month after that first
conversation
i packed my bags and drove
through nevada, utah
colorado, kansas, missouri
and home to tennessee
i did not look back
i had no regrets
for my time spent there
was well worth it
conversations with a woman
who
with her words
well, it all made sense,
life, love, passion and pain

and tonight
i listen to a song,
a favorite of mine
and so fitting
her words,
speak the truth
she knows what i know
a truth that i want to share
on this night
i am so alone

"she removes him like a ring
to wash her hands
she only brings him out to show her friends
i want to free him"

"she speaks in sorry sentences
miraculous repentances
i don't believe her"

a void

i can't escape
the memory of you
the zippers on my flip flops
those ridiculous thai thongs,
oh how i wish i took that picture
the pound of coffee, gone
cigarettes in an ashtray
pigeon forge,
wanted: dead or alive
ghostbusters on the tv
that first night
a polaroid of you
that i should hide
the pizza in the freezer
that i will never eat
your soap in the shower
with a piece of you
everything
i see
everything
i do
everything
i say
all reminds me
of you

my rose

my grandmother
nettie josephine
was her name
she lost her father
he burned to his death
when she was five

spent most of her childhood
in orphanages
raped
beaten
broken
what followed was
paralyzing depression
love found
four daughters

i remember,
long road trips to see her
are we there yet dad?
i remember,
mom would find
brownies and candy hidden
i remember,
her belly would jiggle
as she laughed (aw hell!)

and then
the darkness returned
or was it always there?
electric shock treatments
many pills
love lost
to cancer of the colon
more pills
diabetes
and death too soon

i did not cry on that day
for i took the same pills as she
until now,
many years later
i cry
i miss her
i want her to know
i understand

the girl scouts

we met wearing brown
wore our badges with pride
next we wore green
sold cookies on saturdays
she had a white canopy bed
we spent many nights
dreaming together
she was the cheerleader
i was the soccer player
she dated the most popular boys
i dated the boys whom
she turned away
she awoke at 6am
spent two hours in the bathroom
styling her hair
until it was perfect
applying the makeup
as if she were about to walk the runway
i brushed my teeth
my hair
ready in ten minutes
i cried many tears when
my family moved 350 miles away
my senior year
i could not imagine a life
without her
today we are still
the best of friends
you could say BFF
like the yearbook
she is loving
warm
unselfish
bold
this weekend, my friend
of twenty-nine years
she will come to me
and travel many miles
she will drop everything
to comfort me

7:11

staring at the clock
one morning
it was 7:11

my parents met at a
7-11 convenience store
he was 24
she only 18
my dad traveled to
the great state of misery
to marry another
upon his arrival, she left him
he was lost, nowhere to go
he could have returned home
but he did not
instead, after four years in the navy
he spent his nights managing
that 7-11

my mother was a free spirit
raised in a home
full of love and madness
she was the youngest of four children
and spent most of her days
alone, dreaming and escaping
she secretly craved normality
my dad?
normal could be his middle name

she worked at mcdonald's
across the street from the 7-11
she purchased her pantyhose
required to be worn at her job,
at his store.
she would flirt, she came on strong
begging him for dates
he turned her down over and over
her beauty and uninhibitedness
intimidated him
he thought she was too young
she says to him,
if i can get your friend, of equal age
to take me to dinner, will you?
he says, ok
of course she went on that date
with the friend
and of course my father kept his promise

it was halloween night, their first date
and six weeks later
one cold december evening
they were married in a church
with no heat
she wearing a short skirt
and he wearing a yellow tie

thirty-five years later
their love is strong
they laugh together
they cry together
when they look into each other's eyes
it is as if it is for the first time

and, that morning,
as i closed my eyes at 7:11
i thought of my parents
their love
their warmth
their patience
their attempts at
understanding me
and i smiled

fuck, this sucks

it is
thursday
poker night
he says,
we will return
when you are ready
that ball is in your court.
but i know,
you will not
return
it's too bad
i really like poker
fuck it,
i don't care
i will play again
because you are not here

you left ginsberg
did you forget?
you didn't forget that jacket,
did you?
i pick it up, ginsberg
i put it down
i don't care
i find bukowski
i am alone
in the bathtub
and he makes sense
but i still don't care
because you are not here

i want to write
release these demons
and that is
thanks to you
you are the writer
i am not
but i don't care
yes, i do
because you are not fucking here

endless new beginnings

through her eyes
those large blue eyes
she has seen
so much pain
in the beginning
a man, my husband
on top of me, next to our desk
in our small apartment
his hands
around my throat
me, gasping for air
his fair face
red, sweating
screaming
i am going to
fucking
kill you
bitch
and then
he kisses me, a hard kiss
hands still,
around my throat

i know it's not going to stop
and, i leave
drive miles
blue eyes by my side
to a new beginning
college by day
waiting tables at night
after closing, tips in pocket
to the bars
i am always the last to leave
soon enough
goodbye college
and hello to
years of escaping

her blue eyes
rarely see me
for i am lost
never there
i hit bottom
hard

goodbye customers
and the strangers
at the bars
hello to a new beginning
i work for my father
in a dusty office
florescent lights
profit and loss
shipping and receiving
he is training me to take over
make me a millionaire
i am lost
this is not
the new beginning
i thought

i leave, take a risk
her blue eyes follow me
all over the south
hotel rooms, villas, apartments
charleston, savannah, memphis
but she does not see me
she sits alone
all day, all night
waiting for my return

those blue eyes are tired
and i am not
i leave, drive two thousand miles
away to another
new beginning
goodbye blue eyes
and hello smog
beverly hills, miracle mile, los feliz
movers, shakers, lost souls
i leave
return to my blue eyes
she still remembers me
she still sees the pain
but i ignore her
for looking into those eyes
i would have to face that pain

another new beginning
this time different
i am older, i am wiser
but still lost, still searching
she is with me
in a place i promise
we will not leave
at least not for a while
my friends call her satan
i laugh
but
they have no idea
what she has seen

i am still here, she is still here
and now she is old, fifteen this summer
this morning she could not walk
i placed her on the bed
to sleep in her favorite spot
she watches the rain
as i write
i stop
i go to her
i look into those large blue eyes
i say, i am sorry
i cry
i am sorry for all the pain
she stretches
she is comfortable
she is peaceful
still staring at me
with those large blue eyes
and she forgives, i must believe
i promise her, no more pain
for i am tired
tired of all
the pain
it will always be here
but this time
different

the lonely writer

nirvana,
lithium was our song
kurt,
blocks from you
a three hundred dollar
shotgun
and he was gone
you think of suicide often
seattle
will be
the death
of you
get out
while you can
you may be forever alone
and fantasize of
hst
but share your words first
and not in
seattle

still alive

the birds
the sun
the banging, the cranes
across the street
more homes torn
in my beautiful neighborhood
replaced by
ugly brick dorms
outside
i wait for my friend
breathing
alive
no longer lacking sleep
my friend will drive me
to that place
which keeps me sane

alabama hat

to the man
in the alabama hat
i do not know your name
i do not care
my mind was on another
it was the alcohol talking
in my past
with the fears
to bed we would have went
passionless sex
faking an orgasm
but not that night
i chose
something
real
and
i still do.

closure

dana
she is my sister
my only sibling
as children
we watched cartoons
eating cereal
from a large yellow tupperware bowl
pitfall and frogger
soccer and basketball
hide and go seek
sleeping under the stars
crying one cold winter day when
misty, our beagle, died
soon the darkness hit me
consumed me
and i lost my sister
for she needed only light
and was afraid of the dark
of me
she was the strong one
i was weak
she went onto college
i spent my days fighting my demons
and then
suddenly
a phone call
your sister is sick
a rare virus
silence
complete silence
no words
and i dive
into
research
i need to know what this is
i read of deaths
and then the surgeries began
to nashville we would travel
to the doctor of bill clinton
and the late johnny cash
he says
there is no cure
twenty surgeries,
the first two years
remission
and then it returned
remission
and then back again
she is still strong
remission
another phone call,
while in memphis
this time researching for actors
she says
i am pregnant with twins
another phone call
she says
i miscarried
i am so sorry dana
i cannot cry
i am numb
thanks to the meds
the virus is back
she is now weak
i wait in the room
it is a room i know very well
waiting for her doctor
to tell me and
her frightened husband
she made it through
i hear
there was a seizure
but she is ok
i see her
her face, lacking color
her body, frail
and yet again,
i cannot cry
i am still numb
those damn meds
remission
another phone call
she says
i am pregnant
early august 2004
a girl
cecilia rose
but still no tears
two years later and
over fifty surgeries
my sister
she is beautiful
she is once again strong
there are still surgeries
and i am still there
with her
she is no longer afraid of my darkness
for now she knows it well
and today,
i cry

karma police

he calls
he suggests
i should call her
let her hear it from you
and not one of us
he is right
i tell him
i have been waiting,
for the right time
there is no better time
than now

i hang up
and i call her
she is silent
she laughs
she despises me
i hear it in her voice

i call you
i know
i feel it in my bones
my heart stops beating
briefly
then panic
i cannot breathe
silence
i know
it is over
i know it is her
coming back
i guess i knew all along
and, i, like you
was deceiving myself

i call him,
your friend
my friend
i tell him
i called her
i tell him you and i
are no longer
he says
i am so sorry
i am in shock
i knew he was
considering taking her back
but he was not sure
i am so sorry
he says again
i would have never told you to call
i say
it is ok
i have no regrets

and i say to you, now
even if i knew then
it was over
i would have made that call
it was the right thing to do
a friendship
long dead

i still question myself
the betrayal
does it make me a monster
but in my heart
i know
this was meant to be
and yet, the one word
that runs through my head
is
karma

green sweatpants

you ask
what are you wearing
today
i wear
the green sweatpants
eighty dollars
crazy!
and with those sweatpants
i wear
your socks
they are all I have
your scent
no longer lingers

i will not erase you

i miss you so much
my some kind of wonderful
tonight i will return to that cold bed
it is calling me
it is calling you
after midnight
an hour after the pill
it did not work
still awake
i do not
want to go to that bed alone
and that must be stopping me
i tell myself, be strong
do not forget you are strong
but instead my mind calls
he has erased you
like clementine and joel
as i once said to you,
i am both clementine and joel
and in the end, with them
it was meant to be
reaching for the sun.
and now to bed
alone
this is our end and your new beginning
i have no more words tonight
this is a glimpse into my heart, my soul
i let you in
you said
this could be fun
this could be it
but your mind is now set
good bye until I hear from you again.
i will miss you

you too

say it
say it
i was trembling with you
this i remember
you, trembling,
i thought with me
maybe you were cold
so cruel
oh yes
here comes the anger
here it comes
like the cd you mixed
i disappeared in you
you disappeared from me
so fucking cruel
your silence kills
and yet i know it well
i get it
i get you
signs
you chose to ignore
instead you returned
day after day
for more
if i
if this place
was so uncomfortable
why did you return
knowing my history
knowing it so well
my pains
my fears
thanking me
for letting you in
again and again
and what does that make me
a fool
you were not uncomfortable
and if you were
then kudos to you
a brilliant fucking actor
no
i know it was good
i did not wait this long
for something false
for the first time
it all
tears
laughter
pain
butterflies
multiple orgasms
comfort
i was safe
to many i look a fool
but they were not here
they do not know
have no idea
what this was
you know
you know what this was for me
you deny it
you ignore it
you ignore me
and i know what this was for you
you deny it
you ignore it
and you go back

the blue pill

just another girl
another medicated girl
bukowski
these words i write keep me from total madness
is this true
yes, these words keep me from madness
the meds keep me
off the streets
but am i stable?
i do not know
am i mad?
i do not know
this i do know
after eighteen long years
searching
and searching
for a pill to work
i found it
in december
i feel alive
i am not numb
six months going strong
but is that good enough?
these words i write
grasping for someone
who i have lost
it seems i am mad
but…these words also heal me
i face these fears
conquer them
and so maybe
i am not mad
maybe i am simply mourning
a loss of something so real and good
but short-lived
and yet, thankful i finally found
a loss of someone
i miss him so very much
maybe these words will
ease my pains of the past
so many years ago
and
keep me from total madness

intuition

i worry that when it ends
with her
because it will
this i know
will he come back to me?
and if so
will i be past the point of waiting
this is my fear
it will be too late
i believe that my open heart
would take him back
no matter where i am
nashville
austin
santa fe
something speaks to me
that the answer to my question is
no
he will not come to me
maybe i am wrong
maybe it will not end
for him, i hope this is true

my space

she is alive
she is awake
she knows where she belongs
i am alive
i am awake
i thought i knew-finally
it seems i was wrong
will i read her words again?
oh i should not
they pain my heart
a heart that was open
and strangely enough, still is
for him
soon i will see his words to her
hamlet
in a relationship
no longer going steady
but, yes, i am alive

my bottom

her name was Rebecca
she lost both breasts
and because of this
her husband left
alone
with two young children
depressed
to the hospital she went
i was there
a roommate for me
she was warm
and kind
pills were thrown at us
we were zombies
allowed one hour of the sun
there were labels
therapy for
eating disorders
depression
the sexually abused
group therapy
individual therapy
paintings
journals
i met cutters
many unsuccessful suicide attempts
by so many of the girls
but not me
i wanted to live
i wanted
and still want
both the darkness
and the light

marty

i do not fear him
age fifteen
this is what i remember
gravel
my panties ripped from me
hard thrusts
my head
banging banging banging
against a tire
a fight
i struggled to escape
there was blood
on my head
on my chest
down my neck
blackout.
i awoke in a tub
the only piece of clothing left on me
was a shirt
my friend since the age of four,
whispered
you will be ok
she says to me
randy beat him
for what he did
did i report him?
no.
i had to escape
erased all memory
of that night,
for years.
i escaped to films
and now they are my passion
my work
i do not fear him
and tonight i forgive him.

a bolted door

oh superman
i cannot wait
i took the pill
any minute now i will sleep
i sent you a message
left my words to him on my door
oh, but wait, the key
i must remove it from the bag
i want him to have it
my key, my heart
but there on the door
with the cd and my words
the key
anyone can take
and then i will not feel safe
for years, superman,
i sat awake
waiting
watching the door
thinking the man from my past
would return
and take away more
and this time
i would not be strong enough
to fight
and so i sat awake
watching the door
with extra bolts
dad, thank you for those
the man did not come
and i fear him no more
superman, bring your friend to me

to the boxes i go

these words pour from me
i do not want that pill
just yet
for i am waiting for his friend
sweet superman
to pass along my words
to him
fruitless words
for he feels he has deceived himself
and therefore me
and now he will replace me
for what is comfortable
i do not know her
only what he spoke
and i fear for him
and yet i know he needs the pain
pain that i have
that i want to share
with him
instead she spoke the words
he needed to hear
disown?
no
i do not believe that
but who am i to care
who am i to judge her?
my fruitless words
to him
will be tucked away
like the others in
boxes
just like the many
in my dusty boxes
of the past

mania at its best

a knock at my door
it is an old friend
one that i may lose
like the two that i have
one, i do not miss, as of yet
for what we had was dead
long ago
the other, she followed her
and it makes me sad
tonight, my old friend,
a woman who rarely leaves her home
enters and steps over my trash
so much for my ocd
she carries with her two pills
and thanks to her
36 hours later, long hours
i will sleep

in sync

1:11 on the microwave
something as silly as this
i can punch no more

fade to black

peace.
your friend, my friend
writes to me
he says
i hope you are ok through this and
are able to find some peace with it all
and i think
i cannot find the peace
i cannot sleep
i have tried
and failed
i need it more than anything
escapism has been easy and
comfortable
until today
every single breathe
exhausts me
and unnerves me

although, i am strong.
seventeen long years ago
a man
stole a piece of me
i fought
bleeding
and i won
but i lost myself for years
in the end
only to make me stronger
yet scared

although, i let you in
for the first time
in fourteen years
maybe it was too much
maybe i was too much
do not be sorry
for putting me through you
i am not sorry,
for this month
has been wonderful
yes, wonderful

although, i will find the peace
and i hope it finds you

although, today
my future
still looks good
i only wish
wearing you
and
i only hear lyrics
from a song in a film
my some kind of wonderful

"like a river flows surely to the sea
darling so it goes
some things were meant to be
take my hand take my whole life too"

a family name

i cannot breathe
i will try
inhale
exhale
i tremble
i ache
and long for you
to come back

since you left
many tears
22 cigarettes
no coffee
only your sweet apple juice
and your scent
which lingers
on my pillow
a pillow i wanted to be ours
a place which, with time
you would have grown more comfortable
this i know
you feared i would resent you
like the others
and this is not true
because i know you
i know the pain
i know the sorrow

you say
a cold bed
uncomfortable
no sleep
no dreams
i only heard
sweet short snores
and i only felt a tender touch
on my back
my arms
my legs
i only heard
a soft sincere voice
in that cold bed
i only heard
good morning you
hello you
hi you
i was not cold and
you were warm to my touch

from behind you say
say it kim
minutes later i say
i am falling in love
with you
maybe this is not what you wanted to hear
but it was from my heart, my soul
it is ok you say
thank you, you say
for letting me in
these are the words i heard
these are the words i know to be true

and i felt
so much
with you
something so very right
i knew this in june 2001
you, over my shoulder at my desk
as crazy and as complicated
i knew it would be
i was waiting for you
to come to me

in denial
is it really true
these words pain me
if this is true
i hope this time it works
i hope
i really do
that her words are true

i try to sleep
but cannot
i hear
tell me now your pleasure's set upon slow release
i hear
last night a connection
i hear
kim, what if this is it
i hear
i (am afraid i) could fall in love
w/you
(we're not supposed to talk about that
which is why i'm writing it)

i know my words to you are fruitless
and yet i type
you must think i am a fool
for wanting you
and i still say
come to me
because like i said before
and joni said best
i could drink a case of you

and now i hear thunder
the rain
and i wish you were here

oh
please
why
why throw this away
why

and that is it
i will say no more
because, yes, these words are fruitless
and
i will leave you be
except for this

tom, thomas
the name of my grandfather,
a name passed onto my father
one month to the date,
to the minute
since that night in the parking lot
i say
you are my
some kind of wonderful

a warm place

i am going to lose you
i am going to lose a piece of my heart, my soul
i cannot imagine
a life
without you
and yet, i must
imagine this life
without you
a connection i refuse to believe
was false
i will never believe
it was false

two souls, two minds, two bodies
together for a long ride
a future full of
passion, love, joy
sorrow, pain

i must wonder through this world,
alone

the keys you left
are yours
they are my heart
the cross you gave
was a part of you
and you are a part of me

to my bed i will go
the bed that was cold to you
and yet a place
where two souls did connect
no matter what you say

i will be here
come to me
when you see
this was not false
when you see and know
my heart, my soul is open to you

you are sorry you let me in while in denial
i am not sorry for that
i am sorry that
i have lost you

a place for you. and me.

i want to share my words with you
because you shared yours with me
your words
took me to a dark place
because i know it so well
but your words were good
beautiful
alive
words that are different
than mine
but the same
words that i need
in order to survive
to feel
all the passion
and the pain
words that now pour from me
all night and still this morning
in my new,
brown leather journal
words that i will type for you
because you are not here to see them
the words
they are saving me
from a dark place
a place that i fear i would not return from
and so i will continue
to write
even though i am not a writer
i did fail english you know
but i will continue to write
yes, i will
and i miss you so much