the blue pill

just another girl
another medicated girl
bukowski
these words i write keep me from total madness
is this true
yes, these words keep me from madness
the meds keep me
off the streets
but am i stable?
i do not know
am i mad?
i do not know
this i do know
after eighteen long years
searching
and searching
for a pill to work
i found it
in december
i feel alive
i am not numb
six months going strong
but is that good enough?
these words i write
grasping for someone
who i have lost
it seems i am mad
but…these words also heal me
i face these fears
conquer them
and so maybe
i am not mad
maybe i am simply mourning
a loss of something so real and good
but short-lived
and yet, thankful i finally found
a loss of someone
i miss him so very much
maybe these words will
ease my pains of the past
so many years ago
and
keep me from total madness