a family name

i cannot breathe
i will try
inhale
exhale
i tremble
i ache
and long for you
to come back

since you left
many tears
22 cigarettes
no coffee
only your sweet apple juice
and your scent
which lingers
on my pillow
a pillow i wanted to be ours
a place which, with time
you would have grown more comfortable
this i know
you feared i would resent you
like the others
and this is not true
because i know you
i know the pain
i know the sorrow

you say
a cold bed
uncomfortable
no sleep
no dreams
i only heard
sweet short snores
and i only felt a tender touch
on my back
my arms
my legs
i only heard
a soft sincere voice
in that cold bed
i only heard
good morning you
hello you
hi you
i was not cold and
you were warm to my touch

from behind you say
say it kim
minutes later i say
i am falling in love
with you
maybe this is not what you wanted to hear
but it was from my heart, my soul
it is ok you say
thank you, you say
for letting me in
these are the words i heard
these are the words i know to be true

and i felt
so much
with you
something so very right
i knew this in june 2001
you, over my shoulder at my desk
as crazy and as complicated
i knew it would be
i was waiting for you
to come to me

in denial
is it really true
these words pain me
if this is true
i hope this time it works
i hope
i really do
that her words are true

i try to sleep
but cannot
i hear
tell me now your pleasure's set upon slow release
i hear
last night a connection
i hear
kim, what if this is it
i hear
i (am afraid i) could fall in love
w/you
(we're not supposed to talk about that
which is why i'm writing it)

i know my words to you are fruitless
and yet i type
you must think i am a fool
for wanting you
and i still say
come to me
because like i said before
and joni said best
i could drink a case of you

and now i hear thunder
the rain
and i wish you were here

oh
please
why
why throw this away
why

and that is it
i will say no more
because, yes, these words are fruitless
and
i will leave you be
except for this

tom, thomas
the name of my grandfather,
a name passed onto my father
one month to the date,
to the minute
since that night in the parking lot
i say
you are my
some kind of wonderful