endless new beginnings

through her eyes
those large blue eyes
she has seen
so much pain
in the beginning
a man, my husband
on top of me, next to our desk
in our small apartment
his hands
around my throat
me, gasping for air
his fair face
red, sweating
screaming
i am going to
fucking
kill you
bitch
and then
he kisses me, a hard kiss
hands still,
around my throat

i know it's not going to stop
and, i leave
drive miles
blue eyes by my side
to a new beginning
college by day
waiting tables at night
after closing, tips in pocket
to the bars
i am always the last to leave
soon enough
goodbye college
and hello to
years of escaping

her blue eyes
rarely see me
for i am lost
never there
i hit bottom
hard

goodbye customers
and the strangers
at the bars
hello to a new beginning
i work for my father
in a dusty office
florescent lights
profit and loss
shipping and receiving
he is training me to take over
make me a millionaire
i am lost
this is not
the new beginning
i thought

i leave, take a risk
her blue eyes follow me
all over the south
hotel rooms, villas, apartments
charleston, savannah, memphis
but she does not see me
she sits alone
all day, all night
waiting for my return

those blue eyes are tired
and i am not
i leave, drive two thousand miles
away to another
new beginning
goodbye blue eyes
and hello smog
beverly hills, miracle mile, los feliz
movers, shakers, lost souls
i leave
return to my blue eyes
she still remembers me
she still sees the pain
but i ignore her
for looking into those eyes
i would have to face that pain

another new beginning
this time different
i am older, i am wiser
but still lost, still searching
she is with me
in a place i promise
we will not leave
at least not for a while
my friends call her satan
i laugh
but
they have no idea
what she has seen

i am still here, she is still here
and now she is old, fifteen this summer
this morning she could not walk
i placed her on the bed
to sleep in her favorite spot
she watches the rain
as i write
i stop
i go to her
i look into those large blue eyes
i say, i am sorry
i cry
i am sorry for all the pain
she stretches
she is comfortable
she is peaceful
still staring at me
with those large blue eyes
and she forgives, i must believe
i promise her, no more pain
for i am tired
tired of all
the pain
it will always be here
but this time
different