my fate, i can only hope not

one night
so long ago
fucked me up for life
it just hit me
i will be forever alone
i feel it
i know it

years later i attempt
to open my heart
one that has been open only to those closest to me
those i knew before
that night
i do it differently
i tell myself even if this does not last
at least you tried
but i pushed
and i pushed some more
i even lied

i might fuck my friend
it was something i could not do
for the thought of someone else
made me sick
and yet, those words
came out
just like that
and they will come out again,
i am sure

fear of something good
not believing it is possible
fear of losing someone
not worthy of love
no longer fearing him
only fearing every man since him
no longer hating him
but tonight, i blame him

superwoman at work
everyone adores me
i am fearless only there
if my career ended today,
i would have no regrets
it has been good
so good
if my life ended today
there would be many regrets

i hope,
next time will be easier
i will not push
but how?
is there a man who exists
who would understand me
get me
i hope,
i will not push
until he has no choice
but to walk out that door and never return
exactly why i have remained frozen
for so many years
knowing all of this
too well
i do not want to be alone
and yet
i feel it is my destiny

and this second, i change my mind,
a true gemini
i hate him
it is a word i do not like
but i hate him
i fucking hate him
for that night
so long ago

if we could erase one moment
one single moment
in our lives
that would be the moment
that one night
that wretched night
which led to
this lonely life of mine