desolate

full
and now
empty
he has
plenty
i am
empty
empty
empty

thinking of you

i think of
you raking, piles of leaves
all orange, crisp and brown
a dollhouse, hammering away for many nights
santa and his sleigh in the yard
bright christmas lights
too many presents under the tree
your farm set was enough for me
bert and ernie on the tv
while inside with chickenpox, stuck
a buckeye in your pocket for good luck

i think of
snowmobiles and drifts of snow
steak subs and pizza dough
walks in the woods
those damn tree limbs
(it's time to move kids!)
crackerjacks and chocolate wafers
soccer balls and tether ball poles
campfires, tents and smores
ouch! those stupid mole holes

i think of
that coal pail you carried, walking with a strut
hey, your boots made the final cut!
a fake moustache applied
no, you can't have dialogue, nice try!
sweeping in a scene, with a broom
no, you can't have a honeywagon room!
watching dolly sing in nashville
a prison guard walking on a grassy hill
a businessman at the courthouse
in a small kentucky town
and you did it all, just to see me
you, so happy and proud

i think of
your small mouth, just like mine
the way you look at us
love in your eyes, all the time
a warm smile
an even warmer heart
your unconditional love
a family not torn apart

please know, beneath it all
i am strong, thanks to you
you worry too much
i know this to be true
but please stop (or at least, not so much)
i want you here thirty,
even forty years from now
i'll take forever if you'll allow
you think you were hardly there
dad,
you were always there

i don't wanna be that girl

i take my pick
white
blue
yellow
round
square
oval
that pretty v
kill the pain
numb
oh yes, numb
no more pain here

it's better than alcohol
yeah, it is
in my head,
my grandmother laughs (aw hell)
she agrees
damn
soon i could be
rush limbaugh
or even worse
the girl from what's that show
oooooh damn
i can't remember
thank you google, different strokes
i should stop
i think i will
bring on the pain
bring it on

let the chips fall

a text message from superman
oh how i've missed him
comedy wednesday, poker thursday?
shit, i don't know
i text back
ok, but invite all
for i might be moving

right now, they are laughing
damn, i want to be laughing, with them
i need it
but i can't
i can't face them
it was only a month
with him
and yet, it felt like years
like the first time
the way it feels for him, with her
and so,
i sit here
not laughing
and think of tomorrow

i will make that lasagna, finally
i dream of a massive pile of chips, all mine
i will not cry, there will be no whining
i dream of superman walking in that door
and he is with him, he is back
he stays after they leave
but no, instead i will sleep alone
and awake to pack
homeless, soon
and he, a happy home

a photo double

a poker table
fifty dollar buy-in
3 hands later, i am out
a blackjack table
one hour in
a hundred up and i cash out

a man approaches me
he slurs
do you know who you look like?
i say, yes, i know
kate hudson
he grabs my arm,
no really, i can't believe it,
do, like, the paparazzi follow you?
um, no sweetie, i've gotta go

my friend, she's had one too many drinks
kissing a man ten years younger than she
my car windows, fogged
they stop, the music is ruining their groove
they say, put in something good
flicka flicka flicka flicka flicka
here you are
and i smile
thinking of that night in my car

i am lost
it is pouring
the streets are flooding
they ask,
are we there yet?
no kids, not yet
i hear his pants unzip and i say
oh please, not in my car

at the hotel, finally
the lad got a room
for he and my friend
i hope she's teaching him something
i hope she doesn't pass out

in my room
the sun's about to rise
the real kate hudson on the tv
skeleton key
i am alone
and it feels good

my fate, i can only hope not

one night
so long ago
fucked me up for life
it just hit me
i will be forever alone
i feel it
i know it

years later i attempt
to open my heart
one that has been open only to those closest to me
those i knew before
that night
i do it differently
i tell myself even if this does not last
at least you tried
but i pushed
and i pushed some more
i even lied

i might fuck my friend
it was something i could not do
for the thought of someone else
made me sick
and yet, those words
came out
just like that
and they will come out again,
i am sure

fear of something good
not believing it is possible
fear of losing someone
not worthy of love
no longer fearing him
only fearing every man since him
no longer hating him
but tonight, i blame him

superwoman at work
everyone adores me
i am fearless only there
if my career ended today,
i would have no regrets
it has been good
so good
if my life ended today
there would be many regrets

i hope,
next time will be easier
i will not push
but how?
is there a man who exists
who would understand me
get me
i hope,
i will not push
until he has no choice
but to walk out that door and never return
exactly why i have remained frozen
for so many years
knowing all of this
too well
i do not want to be alone
and yet
i feel it is my destiny

and this second, i change my mind,
a true gemini
i hate him
it is a word i do not like
but i hate him
i fucking hate him
for that night
so long ago

if we could erase one moment
one single moment
in our lives
that would be the moment
that one night
that wretched night
which led to
this lonely life of mine

time heals the pain

another hospital
another room
a woman,
she presses the button
more demerol, she can't get enough

i see her, reaching
i think for the button
she is reaching for me
she grabs my hand
looks into my eyes
her eyes, i melt in,
her eyes, keep me going,
they give me faith, they give me hope

she speaks with a voice so kind
so warm, so full of love
with a parched mouth
(i can barely hear her)
i love you, she whispers
i love you too mom

an early birthday

a simple birthday cake
chocolate
white icing
only a few candles
they sing
they say
make a wish
i cry
i hear her voice
i hear his voice
they say
do not cry
it's ok
we love you
no matter what
now make a wish
i close my eyes

i own my car
thanks to them
and still
a week later
gifts
gifts i do not deserve

years and years of pain
and here they are in front of me

no matter what
no matter what
no matter what

june 6

my grandfather
thomas, tom
the normandy coast
june 1944
he was there
he survived
most of his friends did not
a nervous breakdown
months in a hospital
he returned home
to a life that
no longer made sense
i remember,
a real darkness
in his eyes
i remember,
i was curious
a man of few words

he would say
what did you say?
i would say
nothing.
he would say
i didn't hear you say nothing!
or his favorite,
you are going to sleep
your life away.
i would yawn
and giggle
he would then walk away

he drank a lot
he smoked even more
spent hours in his garden
so proud of his tomatoes
which i refused to eat
i still do
he sat on his porch
staring, at what, i don't know
some days i would sit with him
very few, if any, words were spoken
after his death
i mourned a man i hardly knew

blank

no
i will not read his words again
or her words again
i am a fucking fool
i sit here and wonder
does he mock me
does he hate me
does he think of me
doubtful, any of the three
but
his silence is cold
i am cold
i am a fucking fool
i am a fucking fool
this is it
i move on
be strong
be the better person society would say
fuck society
i just want to move on

go away

rain
thunder
lightning
years and years
me, alone
many cities
different windows
always the same sound
the rain against those windows, i felt at home

nothing made me happier
just me and the rain
one merry couple indeed
alone and closed, i should have remained
this pain is too much
the rain cannot wash this away

tonight
i wish it would stop
i think i'll move to vegas
arizona maybe